Some of you will undoubtedly notice my absence from an Indie Camsite. After over a year on this particular site, I have decided to part ways and no longer wish to be associated with this site or the owner.
After joining this particular site, a friendship between myself and the owner quickly was fostered. We chatted almost everyday, throughout the day. He heeped compliments upon me, and made me feel special. We shared a lot of personal stories back and forth, and our friendship grew. As our friendship grew, I myself would endow him with many compliments. I fiercely defended him when anything negative was said about him.
As our friendship deepened, he opened up to me. I felt privileged over this. Every morning began with us chatting over coffee. Sometimes on Skype video calls. Every evening, he would tell me goodnight before he went to sleep. In our conversations, I began to see a vulnerability behind the cold facade he showed everyone else. When a model would lash out in an email or Skype message, he would share it with me. He was deeply hurt by this. He would ask me to keep an eye out for negative things being said about him. And I, feeling like his special friend, always obliged.
It is important to note that what was happening was that I was serving as his “narcissistic supply,” more specifically, his secondary narcissistic supply. Later, as our friendship progressed, I began to see that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I suspected from the beginning possibly dysthymia. He would lash out at me, hurt me, then sometimes apologize, but always after a day or two, reconciliation would come. It took me months–almost a year–to recognize that I was serving as his secondary narcissistic supply.
As with all narcissists, they lash out their anger, frustrations, shortcomings, and any hurt that they are feeling upon their secondary supply. The secondary supply, often not recognizing that this is what is happening is left confused. I was no different. I took his abuse for months, which was always followed by reconciliation.
A few months after I started on his site, the owner asked me to work for him. I was so deeply honored. At this early stage of the Narcissist/Narcissistic Supply relationship, I had not taken much abuse from him. I was more his confidant–as long as I lauded him. Our relationship was so strong that my boyfriend and I were to meet up with this man.
I worked tirelessly for him. Well over the hours I was paid for. I accepted the paltry wages and the endless work because it was for my friend. Of my own volition, I promoted his site. I brought all my clients to him. I never said an ill word about this man. Ever. I defended him when anything negative was ever said about him. Even while he was abusing me.
Not long after I started working for him officially, things in the relationship dynamic changed. As most narcissistic supplies do not realize, I was not on the equal footing I had been led to believe we were. I had to deal with the models that he wanted nothing to do with. He would vent and call them PITA’s, that he wished they would quit because they didn’t make any money. They annoyed him. And more. (His venting was nothing new, he had been doing it since we became friends.) And I had to tell him uncomfortable truths. That some models were scared of him. That many were coming to me (not as his employee, but me personally) to intercede for them. He would say that he didn’t care, but in truth this caused a narcissistic injury to him.
The one absolute rule for being in any kind of relationship with a pathological narcissist (whether it be a friendship or more) is that the secondary supply shall never cause a narcissistic injury. I unknowingly did. And anytime I had to tell him something he didn’t want to hear, I took the wrath for it.
At one point, Microsoft was shutting down Skype accounts. I was messaged on Skype and asked about it. And then, I was emailed by him taking the blame for it. Later, he discovered that Microsoft was shutting down skype accounts because of Terms of Service Violations. He even came up with steps to help aid in keeping Skype accounts from being shut down. He told me once he knew I was not the one doing it, but yet he never apologized. His insinuations led other models to believe it was me who was responsible for Skype accounts being shutdown. He never corrected his blunder.
He blamed me for models being spammed. He sent me furious emails, blaming me. He later apologized saying he knew it wasn’t me. I had even researched for hours how to get your self blocked on the spam sites. But, again, he did not correct this blunder. So it further hurt my relationship with models. Keep in mind, even though we were friends, chatted everyday through out the day, he told me to take the abuse of other models. But yet, he abused me and unjustly blamed me for every bad thing.
At one point, things disintegrated so much that I had to stop working for him. In retrospect, it was a good thing. It was long, tiring work. I was losing income because I could not focus on camming while working for him. And it was thankless work for a melancholic man who would at any moment switch on his rage. I hated some parts of the work. But I did it. A true co-dependent-hell, that is what a narcissistic secondary supply is. A co-dependent who explains away the abuse of a narcissist.
At one point, he lashed out at me so severely, I held my ground with him. I told him he could not blame me for everything bad that happened. He acted like a petit child. At this point, I stopped promoting his site. Realizing the mistake I had made, becoming involved with a clinical narcissist, I focused on my business. I started to see that at any moment he could turn his wrath towards me. That is the way it is with narcissists. The ones that they are closest to, the ones that serve as their secondary supply, their co-dependents receive all their wrath, for the wrongs they feel they have suffered, at the hands of anyone.
Shortly thereafter, his site lost the ability to process payments. He asked me for assistance as he was investigating what appeared to be a claim of bestiality. A client had sent me pics and told me of several models who engaged in sex acts with dogs. I had warned the owner of this months prior. I aided him as best as I could.
Slowly, we reconciled once again. Though I have kept my business off his site. I believe that this angered him as well. Things were so good once again that for his birthday I sent him a $150 gift card. We were talking again. Though I started to think that I wanted to separate my business from him. I was thinking forward, like when I started to develop an exit plan when I was married to an alcoholic. I still cared deeply for this man. I was still loyal to him. Even when he would dole out his wrath, I never once said an ill word about him. EVER.
What seems to be the unforgivable offense is a deep narcissistic injury that I inflicted upon him. In an email, I told him he had narcissistic traits, that at times I have felt like I was nothing more than his secondary supply. That while people talk so ill of him, I defend him. I told him how models will sometimes say that he is “on the spectrum” (meaning autistic) but I know that is not who he is. He is an insecure narcissist. I told him that there was too much drama associated with his site. And his refusal to curb it is interpreted as him condoning it. The next day, I realized my mistake. I did the one thing you NEVER do to a narcissist if you want to remain on good terms with them–call them out on their behavior. Things were never the same after I sent that email.
Since that email, I have been trying to come to peace with the fact that I needed to end my association with this man entirely. Countless hours I had spent crying over the abuse he doled out upon me. Many sessions with my therapist did I dissect his behavior. And like the true co-dependent, I gave excuse after excuse for his behavior. And last Monday, in my session with my therapist, I decided that it was time. The few friends that knew of his treatment had been telling me for months that he was abusing me. But I, the true co-dependent could not see this.
I am glad to be free of this site and this man. Once I saw him for what he is, a petulant narcissist, the relationship was over. I mourned the loss of it, and yes it hurts. I cared deeply for this man. But I was just the co-dependent, secondary supply. And once I inflicted that deep narcissistic injury on him–calling him out on his behavior, our relationship was over. It is good to be free of this man and his abuse.
You can ALWAYS book here on KLttyKat.com for all your needs. I also have another indie camsite that you can book on. So NO WORRIES! I am still in business. I even still do Virtual Threesomes.
Want to find out how I am doing since I left? You can here: Life After Leaving an Indie Camsite